January 19

Sad day for me. Ignored by Josea. Well, not exactly sad, but incomplete.

I know I remembered my dream, but I have forgotten it now.

We had T.L.E. We continued the mural art. 

We checked our answers in Chem, for the entire period.

Then recess. I can feel Josea is ignoring me, so I went like "So be it." I know I should have talked to her about it but the I am laid back and I take things for granted, that is unless I want it to change. That is why I am letting her ignore me for the whole day. Heck, I didn't even watch their match in volleyball. I just don't feel like it. And I know she doesn't want to see me. Besides, Angela is there to accompany her. Also, this is not the first time a friend deserted me. I am always deserted. I am not for long term relationships as people tend to desert me, to leave me on my own. Maybe it was my fault, maybe it wasn't. It just... happens.

As I go home from school I thought about things. I thought about friendship crap, and why I do not get "Happy Monthsary" greetings. I don't even know how they came to remember the date when they became friends, or maybe they just choose a day and that's it? I do not know. All I know is, I never had one. And I do not think I will have in the future.

Another is suicide and/or getting into drugs. Hey, I am not saying i might do them... but, who knows? It's what depression do. And no, I will not smoke pot or weed or use cocaine unless they have hallucinatory effects. If I get into drugs, I prefer a drug that gives hallucinatory effects, the one that distorts the way you perceive reality optically. I wish to see hallucinations, not just feel, hear, or think about them. Also, I cannot do myself harm, as I am supporting the TWLOHA movement. But I just can't help it. I can't talk to someone about it. They have resentment when I say what I want to say. It's just that, I say things in a hurtful way. That sometimes, they get angry at me an.. yeah. Also, I hate crying. I really HATE it. It make me feel weak. Yeah, go ahead and tell me it's human to cry but I am telling you: I do not like being human. Then what do I want to be? I do not know myself. Maybe hybrid, half human half something else. I even remembered that one time when I said "May ginagawa yung tao dito oh (A human's doing somthing here)" then the person who was bugging me said "Tao ka ba (are you even human?)?"

>_>

"Baka, balang araw, magugulat na lang sila na nagpakamatay ako o nagda-drugs"

LOL

That is all I guess.

Also, for some reason, internet's doing well in our PC.

[EDIT: I forgot that I have already did a post for Jan. 18, so the following parts are for Jan. 19, for I thought the previous parts were for Jan. 18. But in the end, both are for Jan. 19. I hope you understand.]

Oh fuck can I just skip this? I am reading KHR manga now and it is already late.

So what happened in Thursday.... I do not remember much. Maybe it was just an ordinary day? The usual stuff? Ah, my memories are not neatly placed as they should be, another reason why I should write my posts at the end of each day, not the next day or the day after that. 

But I do remember that I forgot to do my homeworks today that I ended up having no assignment for Filipino, which made me feel guilty the next day. 

Also I want to buy that book, "Dude." It's P295 and mom doesn't want me to. She said I should finish the ones I bought first. Sigh. I wanted that. It's a bit of a questionnaire book and, I feel like I will know more about myself when I answer those things. So when I have nothing much to do I'll just read and answer it. If only I had money... sigh. Oh well.

Also, I have not told you this. It has been days or even weeks ago. Oh Well, Oh Well is my song for him now :/ or maybe Seduction, except for the "Cries escape your sweet voice as i kiss you one last time." Also, can I just reminisce some things I want to remind myself of?

I managed to squeeze his hand again. I thought that time was the last, when we had practice. Well, he let his hand stay upon mine, when he, what, high fived me, I think. And he kind of squeezed it too. A bit.

Hey, I should end this here. I have to post the next things to my Jan. 20 post. See yah.